Written by Kate Dawson, MSW
Child & Family Therapist in Chicago, IL
Children who have experienced trauma often exhibit a complex pattern of behavior that can be confusing and painful for their caregivers. One day, they may seem clingy and desperate for attention, and the next, they may push their parent away, becoming angry, avoidant, or even defiant. This push-pull dynamic can feel like an emotional rollercoaster for families, making it difficult to understand what the child really needs or wants. However, when we look at these behaviors through the lens of trauma and attachment theory, a clearer picture starts to emerge.
The Paradox of Closeness: Wanting Connection But Feeling Afraid
When a child has experienced trauma—whether from abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or the loss of a primary caregiver—their sense of safety and security is often compromised. Trauma disrupts the development of healthy attachment patterns, leaving children unsure of whether or not they can trust the people closest to them. This insecurity results in an ongoing inner conflict: the child wants to be close to their parent or caregiver but is simultaneously afraid of being vulnerable.
Imagine holding out your hand for someone to help you up, but the moment they reach out, you pull back, unsure if they will really help—or if they might hurt you. This is what it’s like for a child with an insecure attachment pattern. The result is a confusing mix of behaviors: they want their parent’s love and presence, but they also instinctively push it away.
Attachment Styles and Trauma: Insecure Patterns Explained
In secure attachments, a child learns that their caregiver is consistently available, attuned, and responsive to their needs. They develop trust and feel safe enough to explore the world, knowing they can return to their caregiver for comfort and reassurance.
But for children who have experienced trauma, attachment patterns can become disrupted and distorted. This leads to a variety of insecure attachment styles, such as:
Anxious Attachment:
Children with an anxious attachment style may become overly clingy and hypervigilant about their caregiver’s presence. They often fear abandonment and are desperate for reassurance. This might show up as wanting to be around their parent all the time, seeking constant physical closeness, and being excessively worried about their parent leaving.
Avoidant Attachment:
On the opposite end of the spectrum, children with an avoidant attachment style often seem independent, self-sufficient, and emotionally distant. They may refuse hugs, avoid physical affection, or become irritated when their parent tries to engage. The child appears to “hate” the parent’s attempts at closeness, but underneath, they’re actually guarding against the vulnerability that intimacy requires.
Disorganized Attachment:
This is the most complex and is often seen in children who have experienced severe trauma. Children with a disorganized attachment style exhibit fearful and contradictory behaviors. They may run toward a parent when scared, only to push them away or lash out moments later. Their relationship with their caregiver is fraught with confusion and unpredictability, reflecting the chaotic relationships they have experienced in the past.
Why the Push-Pull Dynamic Happens: It’s About Control
For kids who have experienced trauma, control is a central issue. Trauma robs children of their sense of safety and stability, and they may seek to regain control in whatever way they can. This often looks like being affectionate or connected only on their own terms. They may want to snuggle up to a parent one day and then refuse to speak to them the next. The shifting dynamic isn’t because they are manipulative—it’s because control over closeness and distance is their way of protecting themselves.
When a child dictates the terms of engagement (“I’ll come to you, but you can’t come to me”), they are asserting control in a way that feels safer. For parents, this can feel incredibly rejecting and painful. However, it’s not a sign that the child doesn’t care; it’s a reflection of their inner battle between longing for safety and fearing betrayal or harm.
How Caregivers Can Respond: The Key is Consistency and Predictability
So, what can caregivers do in the face of this push-pull dynamic? The most powerful response is to be a constant, reliable presence without pushing for intimacy or withdrawing love in response to rejection. Here are some expanded concrete tips to help caregivers respond to these complex dynamics effectively:
1. Offer Presence Without Pressure:
What to Do: When your child pulls away, don’t chase after them or insist on talking it out. Instead, let them know you’re available in a calm, non-demanding way. For example, say, “I’m here if you want to talk, but it’s okay if you need some space right now.” Then, give them time to decide when they’re ready to engage.
Concrete Tip: Try to create physical proximity without emotional pressure. For example, if they storm off to another room, you can say, “I’ll just be here in the living room reading if you want to join me later.” This way, you offer connection without pushing for immediate closeness.
2. Don’t Take It Personally:
What to Do: It’s hard not to feel rejected or hurt when your child is rejecting, irritable, or pushing you away. But keep in mind that this behavior is not about you—it’s a reflection of their inner struggle. Try to remain regulated yourself, modeling a calm and steady response.
Concrete Tip: Develop a mantra you can use in difficult moments, like “This isn’t about me; it’s about their fear,” or “They’re showing me their pain in the only way they know how.” Repeating this internally can help anchor your own emotions and prevent reactive responses.
3. Create Safe, Non-Intrusive Opportunities for Connection:
What to Do: Rather than insisting on hugs or face-to-face conversations, engage your child in parallel activities that don’t require direct interaction, like playing a game together, working on a puzzle, or simply sitting nearby while each of you does your own thing. These moments of shared experience build connection without overwhelming your child.
Concrete Tip: Use activities that don’t rely on language, such as drawing, watching a show together, or engaging in sensory play (e.g., playing with clay, building Legos, or sorting beads). The goal is to create a space where your child feels your presence without the pressure of verbal communication.
4. Name the Behavior, Not the Feeling:
What to Do: When your child is caught in the push-pull dynamic, try to name what you’re observing in a calm, neutral way. Avoid labeling their feelings or assuming what’s going on internally. Instead, describe their actions and offer a gentle reflection.
Concrete Tip: Say something like, “I notice that sometimes you really want to sit next to me, and other times you get up quickly and leave. It seems hard to decide what feels okay right now, and that’s okay. I’ll be here, no matter what.” This helps the child feel seen without feeling judged.
5. Use Predictable Routines and Boundaries:
What to Do: Establishing reliable routines can help children with trauma feel a sense of stability. This might include consistent mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and expectations around behavior. When a child knows what to expect, it reduces their anxiety and creates a sense of safety.
Concrete Tip: For example, create a visual schedule that shows the daily routine, so your child can see what’s coming next. Even small rituals, like a predictable bedtime routine with a short story and a nightlight, can make a big difference.
6. Acknowledge and Accept Ambivalence:
What to Do: Children with trauma may feel intensely ambivalent—loving and hating their caregiver at the same time. Acknowledge this complexity without trying to fix it. Let them know it’s okay to feel two conflicting emotions at once.
Concrete Tip: Use statements like, “It’s confusing when you want me close, but it also feels too scary. It’s okay to feel both.” This normalizes their experience and helps them feel less conflicted about their own emotions.
7. Allow for “Breaks” in Connection:
What to Do: When your child needs a break from connection, support it in a way that reinforces that your relationship is not in jeopardy. For example, if they leave the room during an emotional moment, respond with, “Take your time. I’ll be right here when you’re ready.”
Concrete Tip: After a tough interaction, you might say, “I’m still here, and I love you,” then go about your routine in a calm, steady manner. This conveys safety and predictability, reassuring the child that the relationship remains intact, even after conflict.
Building Trust, One Interaction at a Time
It’s normal for children with trauma histories to test the limits of their caregivers’ patience and love. They may push boundaries, create emotional distance, or pull away right when you think you’re finally connecting. But these moments are not a sign of failure; they are opportunities. Each time you respond with consistency, empathy, and unconditional support, you are showing them that it is safe to trust. And over time, with patience and understanding, these seemingly contradictory behaviors will soften, paving the way for a more secure and stable relationship.
Final Thoughts: Intimacy on Their Terms
It’s crucial to remember that children who have experienced trauma often need to control intimacy as a way of protecting themselves. By being present without pressuring, accepting without pushing, and loving without demanding, you offer them the very safety and stability they need to heal.
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